غنوا معانا

امبارح جبت قماش عشان اعمل عباية اروح اصلي بيها
عندي عبايات كتير بس مش بحبهم
مش بيقولوا انا مين
وانا لازم البس حاجة احس اني مبسوطة فيها
مش منظرة
بس راحة
بفكر كمان اروح بيها المستشفي
و ده مش انا خالص لاني بحب البس قووووي
بس مش عايزة اضيع وقت ولا حسنات في التفكير في اللبس في رمضان
رمضان
اول مرة احس بيه قبل ما يجي كده
رمضان
اول مرة
استعد له من بدري كده
وان شاء الله
لو بلغته
يكون احسن رمضان عدي عليا

حبة ابداع..حبة تهييس..سميها زي ماتسميها..

قصيت شعري
وانا اعشق الشعر القصير
مريح
لذيذ
مابيعوزش شاميو كتير
ولو حبيت اعمل فير بيتعمل في ثانية
ماقلقش انه ممكن يبان من تحت الطرحة..استحالة طبعا..
بيخليني شكلي صغير
شكلي زي الكتكوت الظريف اللي لسه واخد دش
في الحر مش بيضايقني
قفايا علي طول معرض للهواء الطلق
حد يفهمني بقي او يقنعني ان الشعر القصير مش حلو؟؟
طب ازااااي؟؟




عندي برد
وغالبا بتكون ايام غريبة قوي ايام البرد ديه..
انا بكون غريبة
بحس اني ماشية علي سفنج او سحاب
لا لا
ماشية علي مارشمالو
بحبه قوي
بس مش بفكر اجيبه كتير

العرض الرئيسي للبرد عندي غالبا بيكون النوم
والنوم بيكون هو العلاج الرئيسي لحالتي برده
بس الغريب اني في الاوقات اللي مابنامش فيها
بهد حيل اهلي
مرة امسك الدولاب انضفه
مرة امسك البيت انضفه
وانا اصلا محبش انضف
مرة اغسل هدومي
منتهي الغباء
وفي الايام اللي بكون زي القردة فيها
بكون اكسل من الخرتيت

my best friend ..Haha....

It's ironic when you can't imagine what others think....when you can't get them....and at the same time you can see through them..

I have been having some thoughts about me lately...and I seem to turned to someone who really can -easily- live on his own..I am not sure if it's a good thing or not..but Iam sure I don't feel guilty about or thinking to change it...

well..maybe it's the hugest defense wall I have ever built..but It's effective...I care less...I hurt less...and Iam having lots of stuff to keep my mind off..

When you covering the expiry of certain relationship with jokes...It's pathetic really...When it -really- makes no difference...being there is no difference than being away...you just need sometime to adapt..and million things to fell the space....

finding neverland......

Iam living in a world with so many people....
yet still alone.....and that's a decision I took...because I lost hope of spending my life with someone I will be really loving...because I finally got to convince myself that there is so no such thing as love...

iam picking up fights with my mother.......
Iam having pains all over my body...
Iam intentionally doing stuff that hurts me physically......
The depression is now replaced by ANGER......
and Iam really mean when Iam angry.....
I say all the wrong words and I do all the wrong things....

but I wasn't always like that......
I was the calmest person on earth.....and It was very damn difficult to make nervous..and I always managed to shut up when iam so I won't make it worse,,,,

now

Iam quite the opposite...

I have turned to that cranky can't stand .......

And Iam feeling that It won't get any better...
not soon at least...

WHere Iam hidding??

Iam invisible......I can't find myself.....that's not weird....The weird is I havn't felt like that since very long time....
It's like I always was able to figure out myself....But not any more now!!
Is it only what I think it is??
Is it my future that i have no idea how to plan it??
Or is it my life that I have no idea what is it for ?!

و أشوفك كل ساعة بحال...في يوم واحد..

بيقولوا عني مزاجية

وانا لا اعتقد ذلك علي الاطلاق

ما يحدث انني دائما اقاوم ما انا فيه

مرة انجح

و مرة مانجحش

لما بعديها بكون مبسوطة

و لما بتزيد عليا قوي

بكون متضايقة

يعني لا انا مكبرة علي طول

ولا معيشة نفسي الكآبة علي طول

بذمتكم مش كدة احسن ؟؟

انا برده بقول كده

احلم معايا

احلم معايا ببكرة جاى ولو مجاش احنا نجيبة بنفسنا

نبدأ نحاول فى الطريق كتر الخطاوى تدلنا على حلمنا

**************

مهما نقع نقدر نقوم نشق نتحدى الغيوم نلاقى بينا الف يوم

بس احنا نحلم ... احلم معايا يا صديق تطوى الخطى ارض الطريق يهمنى

حلمى البرىء مهما يكون يفضل بروحة جمبنا مهما يطول بنا الطريق لو حتى تهنا

يا صديق يرجعه لقانا يضمنا على حلمنا

*

Self centered.....

When I think of any new entry to write it has to be about myself and my problems....

Meanwhile I see others writnig about others,life,football and everything else.

is that me being self-centered!!

or I have no other interests??

I don't care about football....

I don't care about politics unless there are some major events or something...

My LiFe.....

Is my life really mine??

Or it is under the control of time,work and other circumstances???

How is the best way to live??

by controlling every minute??

well..that's impossible.....

by going with the flow??

well..that's not safe.....

how am I suppose to live???

I think and I think and I think.......of what other people think....

I care and I care and I care...about what other people think...

well..that's me being stupid...coz the don't know any better about their lives....How the heck they would know about mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iam walking the day...talking the day....But am I living the day???

What is living???

is it watching the events and waiting them???

or making them??

well...how could I make them??

Iam done figuring out myself....I have to move to another level.....

and when I Reach that level.....I will tell my "watching" self...

Psychosomatic...Seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have diarrhea for about a week now....

I have been fatigued for about a week....

I get dizzy for a bout a week now.....

and If I went to a doctor he would tell me that iam stressed out about something....

So I spared myself the effort and decided that Iam really stressed out....

But the problem now I have no idea why Iam stressed out........

I have been walking with a cloud above my head for a week now...

I have been having weird dreams for a week now.....

I have been shutting up alot-and if you know me you would find that very very weird-....

I have been walking and looking to nothing...

Iam the psychosomatic.....and the psychosomatic is me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey!!!

Honey..I took a lot of shit from you.now its my turn..and you have no idea how good Iam...

Honey..your smile is so sweet..It's sad it doesn't hide who you really are..

Honey..you stab my back and smile in my face..you can keep the knife..but please remove the smile..

Honey..I have trying hard to see the good in you...but what the good in large pile of crab..

Honey..i was ready to give all me..but i think it was too much for you..

Honey..I would have faught the whole world for..But it would be a lost case..

Honey..Things I said to you were never said to anyone..But I never know why you didn't see it..

honey..Thanks for making it so easy to hate you..

Honey...I just can't look at you the way I used to..

honey...did not only throw my love away...but also you can't stop saying wrong stuff about me..

Honey..you were never honest..not even as a friend..

If he !!!!!!!!!

If he treats you like shit.....Its probably coz you allowed him to..

If he keeps you waiting.....You should take the first bus....

If he can't see the good in you...Its probably coz he doesn't deserve it...

If he doesn't fight to get you...You should leave the battle...

If he hangs out with bitches...Its probably coz he can't find any better...

If he likes to control you...Its probably coz he has been a puppet before ...

If he can't appreciate what you do....Its probably coz you are appreciating the wrong person...

If he doesn't care about losing you...Its probably coz he should live without you forever...

If he makes you cry every night...Its probably coz you are an idiot...

If he can't take the decision of loving you..spare him the effort and move on....

If he makes you feel bad about yourself...Its probably coz he is afraid that you find out you are way better than him...

If he makes you feel bad about yourself.....he just wants you both to be alike....

If he is asking you to change...Its probably coz he can't change himself....

If he doesn't give a shit...don't give a damn...

من فضلك لا تحدق في هكذا

ولا تطيل النظر

لا تتوقع مني أن أفرح

أو أنتظر

قد صارت اللعبة مملة

وقتها انحسر

وانتهت

ولست أنا من خسر

ولست من انتصر

لا تأتي في الوقت الذي

أصلحت فيه ما انكسر

وأعدت بناء نفسي

وتحطيت مرحلة الخطر

أرجوك لا تجلس هكذا

و لا تداعب روحي

فلن يتغير شيء مهما فعلت

ومهما حصل

ولا تظهر أمامي فجأة

لاتقرب طريقي

و لا تحاول أن تكون صديقي

لا تتعمد سلامك

انزع رداء هيامك

قد أصبح باليا

حتي اندثر

من فضلك لا تحدق في هكذا

فلن اسأل لماذا؟

ولن تري في عيني التماسا

ولن تري في يدي اهتزازا

وعلي سفح جبلك لن انحدر

ما صار أصبح ماضيا

له كياني انفطر

ولن اسمح بتكرار التجربة

لن أقرب ذات الشرر

من فضلك لا تنظر الي

بتلك العينان الدافئتان

قد صارتا جمرا مشتعلا

ووجهك الطفولي الساذج

وثيابك الرائعة

وتلك القبعة ضد الشمس و المطر

ارجوك توقف

ولا تعطي ظهرك للناس جميعا

ووجهك علي يقتصر

لاتتابع حركاتي كماتفعل

ولا تتأمل

تعبيرت وجهي

فهي ليست لك

وليست معك

وليست ملك بشر

كتبت فبرابر 2007

ولا عزاء للحاضرين

تمرح في رأسي آلاف العواصف..و تتلاطم ملايين الامواج..و تتوه معاني حياتي في الاشيء..في الذي لا أعرفه و لا أدركه ولا أراه..

أحب ان أكون المسيطرة..علي اليوم و علي الغد و لولا بقية عقل لدي لتمنيت ان اسيطر علي الماضي...
ما هذه الدنيا التي اقضي و قتي كله محاولة ان افهم معناها فلا أعرف..و كل شيء يتمحور حول كوني لا اجد من اكمل معه حياتي...أنا لا اجدك..و انت امامي..معي بريدك الالكتروني ..و معي رقم هاتفك..لكنك لست معي..

لماذا لا اكف عن الاحتياج اليك و لو ليوم واحد..أرهقت قلبي..اتلفت حواسي..وتركتني..
ادخل في عملية جراحية فلا أنجح في استئصالك..
ابحث عنك علي صفحات الانترنت...
افعل شيئا لاحصل علي انتباهك
فينتبه الجميع الا انت... ..

انا اقوي من اللي انا فاكراه

يمكن الايام بتجيب اللي انا مش عايزاه
وحاجات بتحصل افتكرها نهاية الحياه
ناس بتخيب املي
و ناس نسياني طول الوقت
وناس بتعمل حاجات كلها غباء
ناس مش فاهمة نفسها
بتجرح كل اللي حولها
و بتوجع
و بتكسر
كل شيء حد بناه
بس دايما بلاقي نفسي
اقوي من اللي انا فاكراه
ساعات بقول هموت
والزم السكوت
ويركبني القنوط
ودمعي يجيب مداه
بس اليوم راح يفوت
و برده عارفه
هبقي اقوي من اللي انا فاكراه
الصدمة تيجي مرة واحدة
كارثة و ليها خيوط
تلف حواليا زي العنكبوت
وكل شيء بيحصل
مبقاش مصدقاه
ولا عارفاه
و لا فاهماه
لكني بس عارفة
اني هكون اقوي من اللي انا فاكراه

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

seeking my rythm...

In the last few days I have been trying to learn more about myself..I had time since long ago to dig in..I thought about my future,my abilities,my dreams,expectations,,even the one I want to marry.

I think what I was really trying to find is my thing..yes The thing that I was born to do..The thing that I will be the best in it..i didn't find it yet but I am happy Iam on this road..

So many things are happening..Iam being put in many tests,,many expereicings and Iam scared to death from failing or letting anyone down.

Generaly I think Iam in a very tricky period of my life now..And I am very scared..My exams results are about to show and Iam totally terrifiaed to the extent that Iam afraid to talk about it,,,This year I took many risks,many bets....I was very different from the way I used to be every year in this collge.. I played the game of calm cold person...no stress no pressure...But I think I did-or even tried to do a good job really........

I still have one subject to go ..Pediatrics and I really wanna work hard on that one regardless the results of the other...For one reason which is that I have tasted the joy of getting knowledge..enjoying sceince ..I t isn't as dull as it used be earlier..Things get easy,fun...really...I think that is what learning about.And that is your way of loving what you work,,do or study...That's what will make me great doctor...

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

Mooning

Friday, November 2, 2007

I have so many things I want to do..I feel trapped...With no wayout of where Iam ..The place..The time..The everything...I don't know ...But Iam unhappy..I know Iam unhappy but Iam ok with it..Coz there is nothng I can do to change it.Iam not in a classic case of depression..Noo..Iam just having so many unfinished business..Iam rushing things maybe..But I feel also stuck...I was in a gathering yesterday with a bunch of people who arn't my close friends.I wasn't comfortable at all..And I had this usual feeling that all my insecuritures are rabbing me up like a spider web..I was alone ..I don't feel that when my friends around that's why I chruch every moment I spend with them..So many pretending in the air..Sense of compitition even in the smallest silliest thing..Well maybe coz I was around one of very compitive person..I don't know...There are so many wrong things in this world..So many contraverses,,Sometimes I feel like Iam holding the world wiht one hand..Other I feel like Iam beneath the earth.....I can't hold up to one thing that keeps me surviving..I know I need to work my ass hard all the time to achieve what I want..I know I have all what it takes to be someone who makes a huge differernce..Iam just overwhelmed by too many things..

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

The Swinging..

Friday, November 9, 2007

I decided that I don't want to marry..and that I will be ok without a man in my life..Well that desicion lasts two weeks!!!!!

Then I discovered that I really can't live without a true love in my life..not just any man..Yes I believe that there someone for everyone out there..But this is only-I think- comes to those who believes and waits..

However this is difficult in our society where every girl is expected to get married before 24yrs old-seriosly-....hard world Iam living in..all my class is getting married or engaged..and it doesn't bother me as much as it makes me wonder did all theses find their soulmates??
How could they manage to choose easily and smoothly??

I want a man to refesh my soul...lighten my life..make every moment with him is like a treasure that we steal from the world..
It's not the need of love-altough it's everything for me-but also company,protection,safety...Things you can only find it in a right man..

My father died when I was little..so I didn't really get the image of a man at home..I got engaged once..very tradtional thing..no feelings..pressure..The classic stuff that should be between any two engaged dperson as our society defines..and I hated it..
So I kind of have a complex...I don't think I can find the man I want..

From a long while I thought that someone has feeling for me but It has been now 6 years and he never never tried to tell me anything..And that created asense of insult inside me coz I really had feelings for him and I thought that.... Am I not the important to you to make a move??
Or are you just having some fun??

Till now I really don't understand what he does..and why do I keep sensing that he has feelings for me although I have nothing to prove it..

I think it's that romantic space in my head creating all this nonsense....

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

Shock or something like that..

Monday, November 12, 2007

Why I never love someone and he loves me back??
What is wrong with me and choosing?
or what is worng with them??
or what is wromg with me?
Everyone is going in his life and I feel left behind..

They say I have a strong personality..well that's me I can't change who am I coz I grow into that..

they say Iam special ..Iam unique..now I think that these are-if they really excist-are bad stuff to have..

Iam totaly lonely..really....when all people look at you like that independable person who doesn't need anyhting from anyone..moreover he is a person you can totally be tough with coz he can totally handle it..well imagine that all people treat you like that...and the only one who knows for real is you...

I don't think there is nothing wrong with me coz I never treat anyone bad...I never hurt anyone on purpse and I never wanted anything more than a partner..May be it is not meant to be yet.. but why does this need perceeds the time when it will happen..It's a very difficult burden to bear..
especially when you know for sure that finding what you really want is something from the fairy tales..

life is not easy for me....I just see the face concered with being own my own all the time..even in the smallest things..study advice..or social hint..I get to do everything on my own..why??coz everyone think that I can handle everything ...

Some of them punish me for no reason.always think the worst of you and Iam sick and tired...

....They don't know me..you don't know me ..who gave you the right to suppose something and act according to it with out the smallest proof..

Why are we hiding behind our perceptions and never give the others a chance to decalare or justify themselves in a direct way...
Why 99% of our communication is silent..face experessions that have million explanations and all we see is what we want to see..actions that could have million meanings and we only choose what makes us feel important or right or innocent...
shame on all people who live a life under the dust of prejudce and seeing only their reflexions..
shame on them...

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

lonliness knows me by name!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Iam lonely...
For more than 10 days now I can't find anyone to talk to..to go out with..
Iam talking to myself alot..Iam crying alot..I have palpatation...and dyspnea..
Where did my friends go?? they are right here with me..
But Iam lonely...
I don't know what is wrong with me.... really I don't know what is wrong with me...
Everything is soo wrong..and there is no one sign that things could be anymore..God plz let things be better..
Ya rab..

حاجات من بلوجي القديم............

anyone to listen..anyone??!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

These days I seem to find noone to listen to me..which makes me think ...am I that boring??..am I that shallow??am I concered with silly stupid things and they have the problems of the third world countries to solve??
Why doesn't anyone listen to me??
i try and keep searching to find someone to listen..or more rarely to understand me....Iam in a very painful situation..The typical since I was young...I feel something for someone...and typically Iam paying a very high price for every little thing I feel..
and I pay it in many forms..neglection....ignoring..noncaring..or even tourturing me for what I feel.. Like I have no right to love anyone..
I can't find a true normal healthy love in my life...I can't find a relationship which is consistant of two persons..
Everyone around deliver the sense of me being silly..boring..shallow..من الاخر دماغي فاضية ومش لاقية حاجة اعملها
محدش بيسمع
محدش بيفهم
محدش مهتم
اتحرق
احكي ومفيش رد فعل
اشمعني انا بسمع
اشمعني انا بتفاعل
اشمعني انا بحافر معاهم في الصخر لحد مالاقي ليهم تفسير او حل
اشمعني انا
بهتم
وتعالوا نتكلم عليه شوية
هو قصتي الابدية وبلائي في هذا العالم
اكتر بنب ادم مش عارف هو عايز ايه في الدنيا ديه
او لو مش كده يبقي انا اكتر بني ادمه عايشة في الوهم في الدنيا ديه

Now...It's a really good time to be busy....To avoid playing everyday role of smiling..Talking and doing interested....There was a child that had his whole family killed but only in his head...There was a girl that was so lonely but only because she chose to be...There was a husband who got divorced while his wife is sleeping next to him.....

him

You have chosen a way that is not mine...I don't know if we could meet.did you left me? Did i leave you? I dont know anymore...you are someone else....

everytime you do a thing or two that makes me wonder who are you? And who am i to you? Have you ever loved me ? Even for one day?? If yes..then when did you stop??

You are a question to me...and i dont seem to have an answer for it....I know that it got screwed a while ago but I was really trying..I was....and for sometime I think you were trying too..why did you stop? Did I suddenly became another one?? Changed like you once told me.....why didnt you ask me what was happening?? Why didnt you show me that you cared?? We could have been something you know.....was I that meaningless to you??was I not worth fighting for?? Tell me coz I need to know...

now...I dont seem to find away to move on.....when I keep feeling that you never knew who iam.....when I feel when you read that the possibilty that you understand it and feel it equals the possibilty of saying what the hell she is talking about.......

you never made me sure of anything......you made me afraid of everything even being neutral to you became so damn difficult.....

Iam not saying that I cant live without you......I will just be wodering for the rest of my life.....and soon I might regret me starting it all 7 years ago by falling in love with you...and I never regret it....I never did till now.....