my best friend ..Haha....

It's ironic when you can't imagine what others think....when you can't get them....and at the same time you can see through them..

I have been having some thoughts about me lately...and I seem to turned to someone who really can -easily- live on his own..I am not sure if it's a good thing or not..but Iam sure I don't feel guilty about or thinking to change it...

well..maybe it's the hugest defense wall I have ever built..but It's effective...I care less...I hurt less...and Iam having lots of stuff to keep my mind off..

When you covering the expiry of certain relationship with jokes...It's pathetic really...When it -really- makes no difference...being there is no difference than being away...you just need sometime to adapt..and million things to fell the space....

finding neverland......

Iam living in a world with so many people....
yet still alone.....and that's a decision I took...because I lost hope of spending my life with someone I will be really loving...because I finally got to convince myself that there is so no such thing as love...

iam picking up fights with my mother.......
Iam having pains all over my body...
Iam intentionally doing stuff that hurts me physically......
The depression is now replaced by ANGER......
and Iam really mean when Iam angry.....
I say all the wrong words and I do all the wrong things....

but I wasn't always like that......
I was the calmest person on earth.....and It was very damn difficult to make nervous..and I always managed to shut up when iam so I won't make it worse,,,,

now

Iam quite the opposite...

I have turned to that cranky can't stand .......

And Iam feeling that It won't get any better...
not soon at least...

WHere Iam hidding??

Iam invisible......I can't find myself.....that's not weird....The weird is I havn't felt like that since very long time....
It's like I always was able to figure out myself....But not any more now!!
Is it only what I think it is??
Is it my future that i have no idea how to plan it??
Or is it my life that I have no idea what is it for ?!