The melodies..The memories

In the past few days I have been rolling some memories in my head..about my childhood..There is no specific reason for that..they just keep popping up..
I haven't had the full meaning of a family for long time..so one of the most things that really give sillies is the view of a small family hanging out all together..I miss that..I want that.. but I don't know I just don't see it coming yet..

The fear within
the anger within
the empty life that nothing is enough to fill
the crap within
the baseline that never made a curve
the hidden rules that rules out society
and most of it are bullshit
the empty minds with colorful faces
the gathered pieces that aren't in their places..
the grades that rank people..
the degree that define man..
well..the degree itself is rotten..
The love that being role played..
The marriage that has been a miscarriage..
the family with noone leading..
the mother.the father.things have lost their meaning.
the air within..

the anger is everywhere
in and out
eating it all..like a giant ugly snake..
creeping all around..
the anger in me is brand new..
but I can't not follow..
But the face I see..
The voices I hear..
get right through me..
The fear they reflex..
The lack they feel..
The cause of their crashes..
That's how they appear..

Hello surgery..

surgery is a complete mess.. Iam in total kayos...Iam late in studying..My tutor is lazy..My group are not caring..and the worst of all is that there is not alternative.. I have no idea what to do!!!!!!!! well....Iam really worried and that is affecting my concentration...all the time Iam thinking of a plan to finish the surgery curriculum ASAP..a whole year plan..But the next three months I will be occupied by the obstetrics rounds which require huge amount of studying?? well I have to wait for a while and see..

butterfly..

I like butterflies..
O f course I never realize that till I was studying the clinical sheet of the thyroid gland..
And it is like a butter fly..
I love butterflies.

Friday

well, it's Friday..
The official vacation for everyone and the time available to study....but I didn't open a book ..didn't read a word..I have an exam on Tuesday..I need to study..

Anyway..I have made a deal with my elder sister -who is an intern now- to set a schedule for revising surgery every week..I think it is a pretty good idea..But I hope she will commit to it..

Round Exam one..

I have an exam withing 5 days..
I have work hard to convince myself to study..Like I have lost the ability or something..I even made my own time organizer printed out..with weekly and monthly schedules for plans..I hope I won't stray from it this time..
I have been living a state of depression which is a very normal thing in medical student life..The main problem is that there are sometime when the depression increases and all the compensatory mechanisms fail to buffer it..
That time it was something..No studying ..no feeling guilty ..like it is my right not to study..I have tried to solve that weird thing using every trick left in my brain..But I became resistant..I went to training to Dr.Ibrahim Elfiky to try to find a motive...But I didn't...Then just like that I remembered high school..Why I choose to goto medical school..I t wasn't only the grades but Iam connected to the human body..The things that happens in..Man I like what Iam studying..So why now?....Why bailing out on the last year?
I just couldn't find a reason not to study and million reason that I should study..
anther thing is that I definitely know who Iam..what Iam capable of..why waste it?? why letting myself go nothing when I can be anything I want or even bigger..
I started today with light reading..But I always start light..
The thing is that I started to realize that I have an execution problem ..I plan very well.I think very well..I just don't do anything..
And I start from here..

why now?

Iam -proudly- a 6th year medical student..in Egypt..Zagazig university..
And I have decided to start this blog..
why now??
Well.. coz it is the last chance for me to be a medical student..
I have about 8-9 months till I graduate, So I have to"actually I should " telling and talking about a life of medical student especially in Egypt..
That was for a start..And the rest is coming soon..